Dating is hard. I kissed more frogs than I care to admit before meeting my husband. I went on dates with literally every kind of guy you can imagine, everyone from the tall, successful businessman to the guy whose picture looked nothing like him to the guy who "forgot" to mention that he still lives in his mom's basement at age 34 in his dating profile. I have too many stories, so many that some days I wonder if I should write a book!
It has taken me a decade to be so open about the fact that I deal with Crohn's Disease. When I was dating guys before I met my husband I wasn't "out" about my disease until it became a necessity -- say we were on a date and I had to visit the bathroom multiple times, then I would explain the bare bones version of Crohn's: "I have a weak stomach and don't digest certain foods well".
I remember the first serious boyfriend I had, and I knew I would have to "come out" to him about having Crohn's disease once we started dating seriously. I was insanely nervous to do so...what would he think of me? Would he see me differently? Would I unintentionally push him away?
Kudos to that dude because he handled it like a champ. The response was something like "oh...good to know, thanks for telling me". I never went into detail about my Crohn's experiences when I was with him even though we dated for over 3 years. He knew about my struggles, but he didn't know the inner workings of Crohn's because I didn't like talking about it. I was embarrassed. I really didn't see him on a daily basis so he never saw me day to day, where I was fine one minute but on the couch in the fetal position the next.
I vividly remember on my first date with my husband I was having Crohn's issues. I visited the bathroom twice within the 3 hours we were at lunch. I remember cracking a joke: "oh you know, I just drank 3 glasses of water! Goes right through me!" Yeah. Right. Of course at the time I had no idea he would eventually become my husband, or even that we would start a serious relationship. I was also still "in the closet" with my Crohn's, how could I open up to this guy???
It's hard to know how much to disclose and when to disclose it. I personally only opened up to guys I dated for a substantial amount of time about my issues because I knew if they spent enough time with me they would notice something wasn't quite right. For my husband that happened within the first month or so of dating. He was visiting and I was feeling miserable. I gave him my "oh I have a weak stomach and can't digest certain foods" explanation. Which I mean, I guess that's true in a way, but Crohn's is so much more complicated than that. I remember when I wasn't feeling well he would make me dinner and let me relax on the couch. I found out later that he had done some research on Crohn's to know more about it so he could better support me. (Keeper, I know! :) ) Eventually we had been dating for a year and we got engaged, then he saw my decline to what was one of the worst moments I've ever experienced with Crohn's. He showed me that he was in it for the long haul and took care of me in so many ways.
I remember wondering: How do you explain Crohn's when someone is just getting to know you and starting to date you? I have an insanely supportive husband and here's my take, if I could go back and talk to my single self:
1. When you feel the time is right, talk to them about it. It's ok to wait a while before you disclose your deep inner secrets about your gut! I know the topic feels embarrassing and can be awkward to talk about, so give it some time if you need it. On the same token though, don't feel like you can't talk to your significant other about your gut. They need to know!
2. Remember that this person needs to know about your condition, especially if the relationship will get serious. It is hard to hide Crohn's Disease. I did it for 10 years so I know. It is even harder to hide Crohn's from someone who is closest to you. There will be times when something doesn't agree with you. There will be times when you have to use the restroom twice within 10 minutes. It is easier to disclose that information sooner rather than later so that they can support you and be there for you. Trust me.
3. Be honest and educate that person. When you open up to your significant other, whatever that timeframe may be, educate them on your condition. IBD is challenging to begin with and it affects your daily life. It is vital that the person closest to you understands what you deal with and what is going on internally. My husband is my biggest supporter and best cheerleader because he understands what I am going through and makes an effort to help me out whenever possible. He knows when he needs to let me rest and he picks up the slack, hands down.
4. It's ok to fart in front of your significant other. Seriously! Full disclosure........I tend to get the WORST gas because of Crohn's when I eat certain things. I know it isn't the most romantic thing to do, but it's ok to fart in front of your significant other! People try to keep the "mystery" but if you have IBD, it's not good to hold it in either!
5. Lean on your significant other. I can't stress how important this is. When you need their help, tell them. When things aren't going well and you aren't feeling well, tell them. My husband is now a pro at taking care of me and I wouldn't trade that for the world! Besides Crohn's I am relatively healthy. He is healthy as a horse. I knows if I am experiencing symptoms, he will be there.
6. Laugh about it. Poop and fart jokes can be hilarious. I'm really good (bad?) at coming up with bad jokes and puns about my condition. I send my guy Crohn's memes all the time. Some days that is the only way I get through!
7. After a colonoscopy be sure your significant other treats you to a meal of your choice. Because you both deserve it!
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