Colonoscopies - A Humorous Tale

So...colonoscopies are the.worst.  I am 29 years old and have already had 3 colonoscopies.  Ridiculous!  They do, however, keep me healthy.  Knowing what my gut looks like allows my doctors to make sure I'm on the correct medication, which is great...however, I will need a colonoscopy every other year for the foreseeable future, which is not fun.  However, the one good thing is that it creates some really funny bathroom humor...which I'm all too good at!

Let me walk you through the internal dialogue I have every time a colonoscopy is on the horizon.

Two Days Before Procedure

6:00 pm - I'd better make this meal count.

8:42 pm - I need a snack.

11:38 pm - I need another snack.

11:55 pm - I am going to eat ALL THE SNACKS IN THE KITCHEN.

12:00 am - Dagnabit.  Here we go.

One Day Before Procedure

7:15 am - *YAWN* Breakfast will taste soooo good...waaaaaiiiiiiit.

7:18 am - Green Jello tasted better when I was 7.

8:49 am - I'm done with this crap.

10:02 am - Maybe I'll watch a movie, get my mind off of my hunger.

11:32 am - Chicken broth isn't a meal.

12:43 pm - I'm hungry.
12:44 pm - **Plans out the post-procedure meal on the internet.**

1:34 pm - Nap time.

2:46 pm - That Gatorade looks nasty.

3:02 pm - Down the hatch...

3:23 pm - Oh CRAP, here we go.

3:30 pm - I just got back from the bathroom...here we go again.

3:38 pm - Mmmmm laxatives...

5:02 pm - I'm so done with this.

6:18 pm - I really want a sandwich.

6:59 pm - Good thing I bought all this tasty hard candy to get me through the rest of the day.

7:03 pm - Nap time.

9:38 pm - I could really use a snack...

Day of Procedure

5:30 am - Down the hatch...again.

5:43 am - I'm sick of these bathroom walls.

6:47 am - I really want breakfast.

7:02 am - I should have drank water 3 minutes ago when I could.

7:14 am - Nap time.

10:00 am - I CAN ALMOST EAT AGAIN.

10:05 am - I'd better crack a few jokes about "runs" with the nurse.

10:12 am - Sedation feels niiiiiice.

10:32 am - It's over already?

10:35 am - That was literally the longest fart I have ever had...well, since my last colonoscopy.

10:45 am - THEY HAVE SNACKS.

11:27 am - THIS BREAKFAST IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER EATEN.